


Ashes

by Jaye_Voy



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Adult Content, Explicit Language, Rape Aftermath
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-09
Updated: 2016-04-09
Packaged: 2018-06-01 07:18:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6508216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaye_Voy/pseuds/Jaye_Voy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An alien invasion has devastating personal consequences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ashes

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written in 2003. Although there are some tweaks, the story's contents (and its flaws) are mostly intact.  
> Star Trek and all related characters and concepts are the property of Paramount. No infringement is intended or profit made. This is rated R for language, angst and frank discussion of the aftermath of rape.

It was two years ago today my world changed forever.

How frantic I was that morning. Waking up in the brig, naked, covered in blood, with no memory of how I got there.

But somehow knowing that Chakotay was in danger. Shouting, yelling, practically clawing at the force field I tried to reach my lover. To protect him.

But I had already failed.

The lines on Tuvok's face as he watched me told me that. So did the five other blood-covered bodies stirring in the brig.

We were granted showers, fresh clothes, food and drink---but not a word of explanation for days. The guards wouldn't look at us, or speak to us. And none of my fellow prisoners---Ayala, Vorik, Billy Telfer, B'Elanna, and Rollins---had any idea why we were here, either.

Eventually the Captain visited, the too-stiff set of her shoulders making me think she was brittle enough to shatter at a breath. She wouldn't meet our anxious eyes.

"Eight days ago..." she said, then cleared her throat, swallowing. My gut clenched in dread as she began again. "Eight days ago noncorporeal aliens invaded Voyager without setting off a single alarm. They observed our actions for two days, learning the codes to disable the computer and perform various other commands. They chose six targets for..." Her voice roughened as the shadows bracketing her mouth deepened "Experimentation."

The hairs on the back of my neck rose as my skin tightened. Janeway glanced up briefly, taking our measure. The marrow of my bones froze at the horror I could see shivering beneath her command mask. I suddenly wanted to cover my ears, to stay in this not-so-blissful state of ignorance.

In so many ways, I wish I had.

But I heard her, the words that sounded a death-knell to the life I had made for myself aboard Voyager, the joy I had found in the last six months. With Chakotay.

"The aliens waited until their targets were alone in a private area with one other person. Then they...commandeered the bodies of the companions, locked down the cabins or offices and for the next several days...'conducted experiments'. We finally figured out a way to drive them from the ship, and our shields have been modified to prevent any more attacks from this or similar species."

"Captain," Vorik interrupted, the paleness of his face belying his Vulcan calm. "May I deduce that we are not the victims?"

"That's correct. You've been in here for your own protection until we could be sure the crew accepted you were not responsible for your actions." Janeway seemed almost relieved. I bet she was expecting a different question.

But then she sobered. "The victims are all still in Sickbay under the Doctor's care, but their conditions have finally stabilized and all are expected to recover eventually." She put a brightness into her voice that I doubt fooled any of us.

"Who are they?" My voice cracked on the question, because on some level I already knew at least one name.

All of us cringed before the mix of sorrow and compassion as Janeway answered, "Ken Dalby, Celes Tal, Megan Delaney, George Larson, Tem Gerron..." She paused and her eyes flicked over me. "And Chakotay."

I didn't see the horror washing over the others' faces. My vision narrowed until my mind's eye saw only Janeway's lips forming my lover's name, over and over and over...

A shake of my head brought me back to reality. Chakotay was in pain and needed me. "When can I see him?"

The captain seemed to wince at my desperate question. "You can't, Tom." Her sweeping gaze took us all in. "The Doctor believes that it would be detrimental to his patients' recovery to have visitors at this time."

"No!" I rushed the field. Only Tuvok's swift jab of the Off button prevented me from hitting it. I dashed into the main area of the brig, skidding to a stop, frantic to make the captain understand. "I have to see him!"

The others were suddenly by my side. Telfer's and Ayala's shouts mingled. "Tal needs me!" "Gerry will want me with him!"

"Enough!" The captain transformed before our eyes from a hesitant figure to one of steel. "*If* and when they ask for you, you will be allowed to speak to them. Otherwise, you are barred from initiating any contact and are banned from Deck 5---especially the area near Sickbay---until further notice."

My shoulders slumped. I knew that tone---on this, the captain would be implacable. My brow furrowed as I pondered how to sneak past security.

Those musings were interrupted when Tuvok was waved over to stand beside Janeway. She spoke once more, and I shivered again at the sorrow in her voice. "I know that these people are your friends, and in some cases lovers. But you need to come to terms with the fact that they may not want to have anything to do with you after this."

She kept speaking, ignoring our shock. "You'll be meeting with Tuvok once a week for group counseling. I know you don't remember what happened, but unfortunately you'll be dealing with the aftermath." 

The captain sighed. "You're off-duty for the next few days."

***************

I was glad to get back to work. I spent the time off pacing my cabin, not eating or sleeping much. Trying to will Chakotay into asking for me.

But he never did.

I spent the next three weeks collecting rumors. It wasn't hard---after all, it's a small ship.

B'Elanna attacked Dalby in her office; Billy cornered Tal in the Hydroponics Bay. Vorik was delivering a report to Astrometrics when he went after Megan. Rollins assaulted Larson in the Secondary Security Station, and Ayala penned Gerron in their cabin.

Chakotay and I were baby-sitting Naomi in his quarters when the alien took me over. She's a little afraid of me now---poor kid can't really say much about what happened and I think my frantic questions scared her. But I'm grateful that somehow Chakotay managed to get her out before she saw anything.

At least there was one innocent spared.

Ship morale was in the toilet. Details hadn't been leaked, but the fact that the victims hadn't left Sickbay yet was telling enough.

I was surprised how much Tuvok's support group helped me keep it together, helped all of us. We were dealing with looks and whispers from the crew. B'Elanna was pretty spooked---her Engineering crew scattered when she showed the slightest sign of temper. They were also giving Vorik a wide berth. Rollins had his security team scared stiff.

Telfer was anxious to talk to Celes---apparently they were best friends and she used to call him all the time.

Ayala was devastated. Gerron had asked for a separate cabin without giving his lover a word of warning.

I felt like I was in limbo, floating, directionless. Unable to think or act until I could see Chakotay was safe and well, until I could hold him and soothe away whatever pain the alien caused.

But I never got to touch him, or even get close to him. Eventually I did see him. On duty. But only on duty. He sent my messages back unread, wouldn't respond to my comms, changed cabins and changed the locks on his doors.

I couldn't even schedule a counseling session with him.

It was pretty much the same with the others. Dalby and Larson transferred to Environmental to get away from their old bosses. Megan Delaney switched shifts, and Jenny went with her. Celes and Gerron---like Chakotay---ignored their former relationships as if they never existed.

I still didn't know what really happened. The logs and files were locked and encrypted in a way that I'd never be able to crack without detection.

And none of the victims talked about it outside their own support group, led by the Doc.

I sometimes cringe a little as I recall my reaction. But more than a month of knowing nothing and being ignored sharpened my concern to indignation.

Love me or hate me, but nobody ever ignores Tom Paris. At least, that's what I told myself at the time.

Now I know it was a last desperate grasp for the greatest happiness I'd ever known. One that I'd lost without understanding why.

I suspected that Tuvok was keeping tabs on me, so one day when I knew Harry was spending the evening with B'Elanna I managed to switch comm badges with him.

Yeah, I was taking advantage of a friend, one who had stood by both B'Elanna and me after The Incident. But on the other hand, I kind of resented the fact he wouldn't tell us what he knew.

And I sometimes startled a haunted look off his face that made me sure he had something to spill. And that the tale wouldn't be pretty.

My theory was confirmed when a half-hour after "Tom" was ensconced in B'Elanna's quarters, Chakotay headed out for Holodeck 1 with Tuvok and the captain.

When I got there I was surprised to see Sandrine's running. Not *my* version, mind you, but the spiffed-up "civilized" place the Doc had turned it into.

When I saw Chakotay, my heart skipped and my breath caught the way they always did in his presence. He was looking too thin and too wan, but he was still the focus of my attention, absolutely compelling.

Not just because he was the love of my life.

I know I startled all three of my COs when I appeared at their table, but I only had eyes for the commander of my heart. "Hello, Chakotay," I said, proud my voice didn't quaver. With anxiety *or* anger.

Chakotay's eyes widened and his nostrils flared. Sweat broke out on his forehead, making the tattoo shine. "He-Hello, Tom."

Tuvok rose smoothly, one eyebrow arching. He knew I was onto him, but he was also onto me. "Is Mr. Kim aware of your duplicity?" 

I tilted my chin, righteousness adding weight to my defiance. "Of course not."

The captain rose as well. The pair bristled like guard dogs---or bodyguards. "Lieutenant, I thought I had made it clear that you were *not* to initiate contact with any of the---"

I cut her off. "Chakotay is *my* lover, captain, not yours." I took them both off-guard as I shoved between them, my hands gripping the back of a chair so hard I could feel the wood digging into my palms. "Chakotay, please, we have to talk."

Chakotay stared at me, silent. Tuvok grabbed my arm, intending to drag me away. I threw a desperate glance back at my frozen lover. Who quickly dropped his gaze to his folded hands.

But Chakotay surprised me---surprised all of us, I think. "Let him go, Tuvok." His eyes stumbled across my face, slid away again. "He's right."

"Are you sure, Chakotay?" I hadn't heard Janeway's voice that tender in a long time. My hackles lowered at the hushed and fragile atmosphere around the table.

"Yes..." Chakotay's eyes flicked from one friend to the other, ignoring me completely "But stick close."

"Of course, Commander." Tuvok dropped my arm and moved to another table. Captain Janeway startled me by giving my shoulder a quick squeeze before she joined him.

I saw Chakotay's body tense as I pulled out the seat next to him. I hurriedly shifted over and sat down across from Chakotay, putting the width of the table between us. He relaxed slightly but said nothing.

Silence stretched out between us, muffling the sounds of the other patrons. To this day I can't tell you who else was in the room that night. "How've you been, Chak?" My question seemed choked to my own ears.

He looked up at me, with a shrug and a rueful air. "Getting by." 

Brown eyes unfocused as he seemed to hold an internal debate, but finally he met my gaze. "How about you?"

I'd been waiting so long to talk to Chakotay, but at that moment I couldn't seem to get anything past the logjam of emotions blocking my throat---angry, anxious, wishing to comfort and be comforted. And desperately afraid.

"I don't know," I finally admitted, my eyes dropping to my own hands, clenched together on the wooden table. I suddenly wanted a drink, with the clawing need for alcohol I hadn't felt since Caldik Prime. I looked up, into dark eyes I couldn't read. "Why haven't you commed me, Chakotay?"

"I...I..." Chakotay bit his lip, then the words seemed to burst from him in a rush. "I'm sorry, Tom. I should have told you from the start. I know it's not your fault, but I---I don't want to talk to you." 

He looked down, then back at me, grave and anxious. "It's over between us."

"No." It sounded more like a declaration than a denial, but inside I was wailing in despair. The captain warned me. So did Tuvok, in group, in his own subdued fashion. No doubt Harry would have as well, if I'd let him in on my plans. So I should have been prepared.

Except I wasn't. Sure, I knew Chakotay had been avoiding me, and that the road back wouldn't be easy, but somehow I always pictured us together.

How could we not be? I loved him, he loved me. We were inevitable.

"Look, I know I should have talked to you sooner, but I wasn't ready." Chakotay shook his head slightly. "I'm still not, I think." 

He took a deep breath. "But one thing you have to understand...we're *not* getting back together."

I felt my soul fracture. "What did that alien do to you?" I growled as I grabbed his wrist. Some vague notion of dragging him with me somewhere. Shock ran through me at the fearful way Chakotay snatched it back. Clutching his arm to his chest and rubbing it absently as if I'd hurt him.

As if he expected me to hurt him.

He gave a few frantic gasps, but waved Tuvok and Janeway back to their seats. Then he leaned his elbows on the table and put his face in his hands, obviously struggling to figure out what to say.

I didn't know what to do. So I waited.

When he looked up at me again I saw just a hint of the love that used to be between us. But it was flickering, gutted, overwhelmed by despair.

Chakotay rested his hands back on the table, palms up. "Don't you see, Tom? It doesn't matter what *it* did. Because the alien is not the one I'm afraid of."

He shrugged, helplessly, and his fingers lifted and lowered as if the explanation were beyond him. "Tom, I *know* that it wasn't you. That the alien took over your body and threatened Naomi if I didn't comply. But it just doesn't make any difference."

I felt tears sting my eyes as he struggled to speak. "It's not some alien who hurt me, Tom. It was you. Your hands, your body." 

His throat clicked as he swallowed. "I just...I can't be near you. I arrive after you and leave before you because the thought of you standing behind me, ready to pounce again at any second, makes my heart pound so hard and fast I think I'm going to die. Every time I hear your voice, I remember how it sounded when you laughed during...when I try to think about how it felt to make love with you, all I see is you slicing into me, all I remember is my flesh tearing under your touch, under your body. All I can feel is the violation...the humiliation."

Agony twisted his features, hunched his shoulders as if making some vain attempt at self-protection. And his voice was as tight as my throat felt. "I hold my breath when we get too close, because the smell of you makes me sick to my stomach...sometimes I can't eat, because I smell you and taste you and there's no escaping what happened and I want to just...stop."

Chakotay looked at me, more weary than I've ever seen him. "I just want it to stop. I want to feel clean and safe and sure of myself again. I don't want to be afraid." 

He shook his head, looked away. "I know you love me, Tom, and you just want to help. But you can only help me by staying away."

"But it wasn't *me*!" I was almost crying now myself. I wanted to howl at the unfairness of it all, and wanted to shake that essential truth into Chakotay.

"I know." Chakotay sighed. "But that doesn't change anything."

"Of course it does. *I love you*, Chakotay." I wanted to reach out, but I could already sense him moving away from me. 

"You love me," I said, but there was no longer any conviction in me. I slumped to the table, the only thing keeping me from sliding to the floor and curling up in despair.

"I loved you, Tom, very much." Chakotay's voice was soft, and I felt a hesitant touch on my shoulder. "But I don't believe I'll ever feel safe with you again."

"But maybe someday you could," I insisted, my heart twisting. "And I can wait for you."

The fingers tightened. "No, Tom. I'm sorry. Think less of me if you must, but...but I don't even want to try."

I knew then that in Chakotay's mind we were already walking different paths. Away from each other. Defeat was sour in my mouth as I muttered, "So I'm going to be punished for something I didn't do."

"Yes." Chakotay's hand loosened on my shoulder, lifted away. I shivered at the sudden cold. "But at least you got off easy. You don't have to live with the memories."

"I'm not going to give up, Chakotay." I winced. It sounded like a threat. I lifted up and turned to face him.

Chakotay had backed away a few steps. "Sure you will, Tom. Not because you're weak---just the opposite. We're survivors, all of us on Voyager, and we do what we have to." 

He gave me a small smile. "And I promise you, the day you find happiness again, I will too."

Chakotay left quickly then, the captain and Tuvok waiting only a moment before following him out the door.

I think I went a little insane then, because the next thing I knew I was in the Doc's office trying to crack the uncrackable seals on Chakotay's files. I didn't even care if I ended up back in the brig. I had some crazy notion of proving that Chakotay's experience hadn't been *that* bad, of throwing the report in his face and yelling how could he not love me anymore, how could this be enough to destroy the best thing that had ever happened to me.

How could he expect me to just give up?

"Mr. Paris."

The voice startled me into whirling. The EMH stared at me. I thought he was sizing me up for a sedative.

But I was wrong.

He simply leaned over and typed in some codes. Data flashed onto the screen, resolving itself into readable type. "Commander Chakotay has given you permission to read his files," he said simply. Then he walked around the desk and sank into one of the visitor's chairs. Obviously preparing to wait.

It took me a long time to get through the report. A few times the letters blurred, but I wasn't sure if I was grieving for Chakotay or myself.

Now I understood the hell he was going through. And why he didn't want me to be a part of his recovery.

I leaned back, drained. My unfocused gaze drifted to the Doc. "There's no hope for Chakotay and me getting back together, is there?"

"Honestly, Mr. Paris?" It struck me how...human...the Doc looked, his face creasing in sympathy. "I don't think there should be. Who in their right mind would deliberately put themselves in a situation that is so painful to them?"

"I would never want Chakotay to---" I protested.

"But you do, if you insist on pursuing the relationship," the Doc overrode me. "This kind of trauma...the fear it leaves is instinctual, automatic, not something that you just wave away, even if you want to. People heal in their own time, in their own way. You can't force it. That would be like locking a claustrophobic in a coffin and telling them to 'just get over it'." 

He paused. "And what loving person would do that?"

I had no answer. I didn't notice when he left.

***************

I never chased Chakotay again. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I taught myself to live without him. Without yearning for what I'd never have again.

Time passed, wounds healed, scars faded, almost without my noticing.

I sighed and sipped my beer, returning to the present, wondering if Chakotay and the other victims had noted the second anniversary of the aliens' "experiments" a few days ago.

Today---two years after I woke up in the brig---was my day for mourning. And remembering. And, surprisingly, for making a new start.

Chakotay was right. Time changes everyone, and I was never built for unrequited love. It took me a long time to get over him, but eventually I did.

This morning, my new lover and I got engaged. Chakotay sent us champagne and his best wishes. Rumor has it I'll be needing to return the gesture someday soon when he proposes to Marla Gilmore.

In the dark of night, I sometimes think about Chakotay, his dark eyes and special smile. Of the way we were together, and the way we ended.

I remember the heartache those aliens caused. To all their victims.

Then I recall hearing Chakotay and Marla laughing in the Mess Hall, seeing Gerron dancing in Noah Lessing's embrace, kissing my lover as we settle down to sleep.

Maybe we're still finding our way back to joy, all of us, but after the pain and anger and regret, we've found a kind of peace. And hope for the future.

Sometimes you don't get a happy ending, just the embers you can stir from the ashes to begin anew.

And sometimes love is letting go.

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are welcomed with great joy and constructive criticism is treasured as a rare gift.


End file.
